Everytime i log on....its been awhile since ive last written. i should probably log on more often....lol anyway heres an update.....Marriage is going well. its alot more difficult than i first thought but not as hard as everyone said it would be. the hardest part for me is getting used to being around some one All the time. I mean 24/7....nonstop.....when you wake up.....when you go to sleep....every minute. This was hard for me because im used to being alone and at times i like the sound of silence. There is nothing wrong with needed a few hours to your self each day to unwind.....think or do whatever you want without someone else being there. In fact, i think every one should have at least an hour alone each day. But honestly i love my husband......he keeps me sane in alot of ways and i like to think i do the same for him. We have more challenges than other relationships though because he isnt a US citizen...... he's Jamaican, at times it gets frustrating but most of the time we handle it pretty well. Im enjoying learning about his culture as well. Im starting to understand some of their slang and have even tried some of the food. He recently introduced me to ackee and codfish.....lets just say it was a unique experience. I havent met his family yet. Ive spoken with them on numerous occassions but im so anxious to meet them.
Getting married put a hold a few things that i wanted to do. the stress of going to school, working, modeling and planning a wedding almost drove me crazy. And to top it off i didnt get any rest after the wedding. i started a new job two days after i got married. hopefully one day i will get that honeymoon to Jamaice that i deserve. ive finally started back modeling and doing some things i enjoy......i didnt realize how much i missed it until i stopped. Its a way for me to express all this creativityi have trapped inside. But im sad to say that my good friend Christopher Bell moved back to Atl. it was a good move for him......something he needed to do to continue to grow. i took it pretty hard......felt like he was taking my dream with him. i soon realized that i have to find away to continue to make my dream prosper just as he did. his work is and always be an inspiration to me. he opened my eyes to a whole new world in Mississippi and for that i am eternally grateful. Its amazing how one person can affect your life.
seems like ive been rambling forever.....just had to clear my mind. hopefully it won't take months for me to write again. Later days......
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
bliss
Life is confusing. but i guess that's what keeps us going. the hope that maybe one day things won't be as confusing and that we will finally get some sort of grasp on how to not only live but live life fully. Lately ive been struggling with somethings in my life. as you may have read in an earlier blog i am in a relationship. that relationship recently turned into an engagement. yeah, yeah i know. im 23, getting married isnt something most people would want to do at this age but honestly i think it is what's best for me. alot of people have opinions and i listen and take heed to everything that is being said but in the end the decision is mine. and i have decided that on june 5 of this year i will be MARRIED!!! yay!! hug kisses love and all that over gushy ish.
but wait. whats going to happen with my dream. modeling. ummmmm......ive ran this quesiton through my head over and over and it frightens me to think that i would have to put modeling on hold or stop completely because im getting married. i would like to believe that i will be able to continue my dream full force. just not at this particular moment. i mean i have alot to do: plan a wedding, keep up with school, work and over insignificant but equally important things. i feel that im out growing alot of things that used to excite me but i guess that comes with maturity(getting old lol). i know that things are not going to be easy because they never are, im just happy that i won't have to go through life alone anymore.
but wait. whats going to happen with my dream. modeling. ummmmm......ive ran this quesiton through my head over and over and it frightens me to think that i would have to put modeling on hold or stop completely because im getting married. i would like to believe that i will be able to continue my dream full force. just not at this particular moment. i mean i have alot to do: plan a wedding, keep up with school, work and over insignificant but equally important things. i feel that im out growing alot of things that used to excite me but i guess that comes with maturity(getting old lol). i know that things are not going to be easy because they never are, im just happy that i won't have to go through life alone anymore.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
How you doing??
hey, i know i have to be the world's worst blogger. thought i would log on to speak and let the world know whats going on with me. ive been pretty busy with work, school and trying to make my dream a reality. i currently work at stein mart and was first hired as an associate in the gifts department, i was recently promoted to visual, a job i have come to love. even though i love it, it is a lot of work and responsibility. over all it would look really good on a resume. this year has been really good for me. i have accomplished most of my goals and managed to find a love interest on the way. yes yes i am in a relationship and he really is a great guy. but who knew trying to have a meaningful and productive relationship would be so much work!! he is truly testing me in every way and making me become a better person. he has shown me that in order to be happy i have to make sacrifices and try to make him happy as well. doing so is hard for me because im used to doing alot of things on my own,(besides the help from immediate family). he shows me that having someone besides family to lean on is ok and for that i cant help but smile. modeling, modeling, modeling....my dream. its still very far from me but i ca truly say i am doing everything i can to help make them a reality. sadly i did regain some of the weight i had lost but since then i have joined a 24/7 gym and have seen sufficient progress. i think most of my weight gain problem comes from my eating habits because working out is not a problem. in fact it is a great stress reliever for me. i just imagine im chasing the last person who made me mad while im on the treadmill and its all good. lol. overall im doing good. hope all is well with you guys!! later days....
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Greyhound
How do you talk to God when you know death lingers?
Everybody says pray. Put it in God's hands. But what if you pray and you know that eventually, sooner more so than later that the end is coming. What prepares a person for death? Death of anything. Death of a loved one. Death of a pet. Death of a dream. Each death is vital to whoever is experiencing it. Everybody deals with it in a different way. But im at a lost.
I've never experienced the lost of a loved one. Not someone i consider to be close to me anyway but as of late i feel that i need to be preparing for it. It hurts when you see someone you love, a person who you have seen as the epitome of strength for your family have to learn to live again. Just the basic functions of living; swallowing, chewing and even recognizing your family members. Silently i cry. Silently i want to scream. Run away from the person who is laying in that hospital bed because to me she is a stranger. I dont know her and for awhile she didnt know me.
Reality set in. Her body is weakening. It pains me to watch as her sanity is put in jeporady because thats just what happens when you've survived a stroke. brain damage-some brain damage thats what they said. two words- that's what makes her vaguely remember her children, her grandchildren-her family. In and out-In and out her memory comes and goes. A lonely death not because we arent there but simply because she cant remember. that is my greatest fear. that she will forget-that she won't remember how much love exist in our family because of her.
I fell like i need a ticket to heaven or that realm in between.
Later Days....
Everybody says pray. Put it in God's hands. But what if you pray and you know that eventually, sooner more so than later that the end is coming. What prepares a person for death? Death of anything. Death of a loved one. Death of a pet. Death of a dream. Each death is vital to whoever is experiencing it. Everybody deals with it in a different way. But im at a lost.
I've never experienced the lost of a loved one. Not someone i consider to be close to me anyway but as of late i feel that i need to be preparing for it. It hurts when you see someone you love, a person who you have seen as the epitome of strength for your family have to learn to live again. Just the basic functions of living; swallowing, chewing and even recognizing your family members. Silently i cry. Silently i want to scream. Run away from the person who is laying in that hospital bed because to me she is a stranger. I dont know her and for awhile she didnt know me.
Reality set in. Her body is weakening. It pains me to watch as her sanity is put in jeporady because thats just what happens when you've survived a stroke. brain damage-some brain damage thats what they said. two words- that's what makes her vaguely remember her children, her grandchildren-her family. In and out-In and out her memory comes and goes. A lonely death not because we arent there but simply because she cant remember. that is my greatest fear. that she will forget-that she won't remember how much love exist in our family because of her.
I fell like i need a ticket to heaven or that realm in between.
Later Days....
Monday, August 31, 2009
Hometown Glory
Im from a very small country town, bassfield, mississippi, where the most excitement people get are at local sporting events as is the like in many other small towns across the nation. growing up in such a small town helps and henders a person. i say this lightly because i dont want anyone to feel that i am in no way ashamed of where i come from. when asked i would gladly tell anyone. however there are some thins about my hometown that i could live my entire life without experiencing again.
country life is as many of you assumed slow. we get everything late. when the rest of the world is moving on we are just jumping aboard. at times i enjoy the slow pace. it is relaxing. but for the most pary i find it to be somewhat irritating. the people seem to lack a certain level of intellect. they seem to be content with the simple and melodramitic lives they lead. there seems to be no dreams. all of them seem to die among the ever growing crime and violence rates. i feel that there arent any good examples for the children there to follow.
yesterday i went home(to my parents house). most of the time when i go home nobody sees me except for my family. i was never the one who knew everyone in town or even wanted to. therefore i only keep in touch with about three people from my graduating class. so when someone does see me they dont realize that i grew up in the town, they often think im simply visiting. on this visit home yesterday i was approached by some men who would as my mom would say were trying to be "fresh". I naturally declined both of them becasue their approach was not only disrespectful but the attraction for either of them was just not there. immediately after they saw i didnt want to waste any time on them i was labeled as "stuck up".
Stuck up, conceited, arrogant. ive been called all of these simply because a person judges me before actually talking to me. Why does a person have to be labeled as stuck up because they act differently?
I never want to live in bassfield. nothing has changed and yet everything has changed. i want to live in a more productive place where i can make my dreams come true and hopefully i can come back to this small town and make some well needed changes.
i want to believe there is hope for my hometown.
country life is as many of you assumed slow. we get everything late. when the rest of the world is moving on we are just jumping aboard. at times i enjoy the slow pace. it is relaxing. but for the most pary i find it to be somewhat irritating. the people seem to lack a certain level of intellect. they seem to be content with the simple and melodramitic lives they lead. there seems to be no dreams. all of them seem to die among the ever growing crime and violence rates. i feel that there arent any good examples for the children there to follow.
yesterday i went home(to my parents house). most of the time when i go home nobody sees me except for my family. i was never the one who knew everyone in town or even wanted to. therefore i only keep in touch with about three people from my graduating class. so when someone does see me they dont realize that i grew up in the town, they often think im simply visiting. on this visit home yesterday i was approached by some men who would as my mom would say were trying to be "fresh". I naturally declined both of them becasue their approach was not only disrespectful but the attraction for either of them was just not there. immediately after they saw i didnt want to waste any time on them i was labeled as "stuck up".
Stuck up, conceited, arrogant. ive been called all of these simply because a person judges me before actually talking to me. Why does a person have to be labeled as stuck up because they act differently?
I never want to live in bassfield. nothing has changed and yet everything has changed. i want to live in a more productive place where i can make my dreams come true and hopefully i can come back to this small town and make some well needed changes.
i want to believe there is hope for my hometown.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Anon....
Wow, its been awhile since my last blog and i would like to apologize to those of you who were following me. I just wanted to get on and let you know whats been going on with me. The summer was beneficial for me; it was a time of rest and a time for me to think about the things that really matter to me most in life. I found out what i wanted to do, how i was going to do it and slowly im finding that neither road is going to be easy. I met some wonderful people and began to build what i hope to be lasting relationships with them all. Along with meeting alot of exciting new people there is always the heartbreak of loosing some people who at one time i considered to be important in my life. the last sentence puts me in the mind of a quote by black nationalist and one of the most influencial blacks of all time Malcolm X:
"There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance next time."
The above quote is true in so many ways because no matter how much we as human loose or how many times our heart is broken we cant by any means give up. There is only room to prosper and grow. In the end we will all be better for going through the trails and test that come in life. I just hope that my journey is in some way and inspiration of some sort to others.
So i ask, what are you doing to make your journey memorable?
later days.....
"There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance next time."
The above quote is true in so many ways because no matter how much we as human loose or how many times our heart is broken we cant by any means give up. There is only room to prosper and grow. In the end we will all be better for going through the trails and test that come in life. I just hope that my journey is in some way and inspiration of some sort to others.
So i ask, what are you doing to make your journey memorable?
later days.....
Friday, March 27, 2009
B00meRanG
For awhile now I have had the concept of Karma on my mind. It has come up in my thoughts on numerous occasions especially those involving pain or disappointment, this concept as well as the problem of evil and the existence of God, a topic discussed in a philosophy course I took awhile back. I felt that i should write about this to see if I could get some feedback from the public. I didnt know where to begin because my thoughts as they most of the time are, were cloudy and for the lack of better wording simply floating around in my head. So like any other person born in this internet induced age I googled Karma to give me a little information about it before addressing and audience because we all know there is nothing worse than someone who misinforms the public.
Karma by definition according to Thanissaro Bhikkhu 'functions ike fate — bad fate, at that: an inexplicable, unchangeable force coming out of our past, for which we are somehow vaguely responsible and powerless to fight.' According to this definition karma is our bad fate which we can't avoid because from prior actions in life we are somehow responsible for whatever wickedness befalls us. If this is true who is responsible for all the good things that happen to us in life? If it is true that God is all knowing and all powerful is Karma his way of punishing us? Even if the last statement is true if God were all PKG(powerful, knowing and good) why would he even allow humans to suffer or experience death, pain, hunger anything....??? Would a God who did these things be considered evil? I ask that you please do not misconstrue my words and for one second believe that I am in anyway doubting the existence of God, I am simply questioning the two concepts mentioned at the opening of this blog.
Let me explain. I have grown up around strong black women my entire life and i have observed every aspect of their lives and the conclusion i have drawn is that for the most part they believe in karma but through God. You would never hear them say "that's karma" however you would hear them exclaim "that's God testing you". Take for example my mother. My mother has been with my father since she was sixteen and all us(my two sisters and I) were born out of wedlock. My mother has been physically abused by my father for as long as I can remember(i will go in further detail on another blog) but she feels the abuse and pain she suffered over the years is her punishment for disobeying her mother when she was young and having sex without being married. To some this may sound obsurb but I have heard her say this more than once so it is obviously something she believes strongly about. My question is, should we base everything that bad that has happened to us on a past decision that went foul? If we were to do this would we ever truly be living? Then again i guess that's why the Bible speaks of humans having a conscience and putting that conscience to use. That little voice inside our head that helps us make decisions or in movies the angel and the devil sitting on either shoulder.
Bhikkhu goes on to say, 'I guess it's just my karma," I've heard people sigh when bad fortune strikes with such force that they see no alternative to resigned acceptance. The fatalism implicit in this statement is one reason why so many of us are repelled by the concept of karma, for it sounds like the kind of callous myth-making that can justify almost any kind of suffering or injustice in the status quo: "If he's poor, it's because of his karma." "If she's been raped, it's because of her karma." From this it seems a short step to saying that he or she deserves to suffer, and so doesn't deserve our help."
The above paragraph helps to further explain the concept of karma that is associated with American society. People tend to want to justify why a person is in a certain condition or why someone is suffering. They want to believe that if someone is robbed that now or in a past life that person may have taken something of grave importance from another. As humans we yearn for answers to things we don't understand and karma seems to fill that void because not knowing or not having anything to blame would drive us insane.
So now I ask who/what is responsible for your actions? Do you take pride in decisions you make no matter how big or small? Do u feel that an all PKG God would allow suffering? Is karma real or is it just a Buddist concept misconstrued by western thinking?
Karma by definition according to Thanissaro Bhikkhu 'functions ike fate — bad fate, at that: an inexplicable, unchangeable force coming out of our past, for which we are somehow vaguely responsible and powerless to fight.' According to this definition karma is our bad fate which we can't avoid because from prior actions in life we are somehow responsible for whatever wickedness befalls us. If this is true who is responsible for all the good things that happen to us in life? If it is true that God is all knowing and all powerful is Karma his way of punishing us? Even if the last statement is true if God were all PKG(powerful, knowing and good) why would he even allow humans to suffer or experience death, pain, hunger anything....??? Would a God who did these things be considered evil? I ask that you please do not misconstrue my words and for one second believe that I am in anyway doubting the existence of God, I am simply questioning the two concepts mentioned at the opening of this blog.
Let me explain. I have grown up around strong black women my entire life and i have observed every aspect of their lives and the conclusion i have drawn is that for the most part they believe in karma but through God. You would never hear them say "that's karma" however you would hear them exclaim "that's God testing you". Take for example my mother. My mother has been with my father since she was sixteen and all us(my two sisters and I) were born out of wedlock. My mother has been physically abused by my father for as long as I can remember(i will go in further detail on another blog) but she feels the abuse and pain she suffered over the years is her punishment for disobeying her mother when she was young and having sex without being married. To some this may sound obsurb but I have heard her say this more than once so it is obviously something she believes strongly about. My question is, should we base everything that bad that has happened to us on a past decision that went foul? If we were to do this would we ever truly be living? Then again i guess that's why the Bible speaks of humans having a conscience and putting that conscience to use. That little voice inside our head that helps us make decisions or in movies the angel and the devil sitting on either shoulder.
Bhikkhu goes on to say, 'I guess it's just my karma," I've heard people sigh when bad fortune strikes with such force that they see no alternative to resigned acceptance. The fatalism implicit in this statement is one reason why so many of us are repelled by the concept of karma, for it sounds like the kind of callous myth-making that can justify almost any kind of suffering or injustice in the status quo: "If he's poor, it's because of his karma." "If she's been raped, it's because of her karma." From this it seems a short step to saying that he or she deserves to suffer, and so doesn't deserve our help."
The above paragraph helps to further explain the concept of karma that is associated with American society. People tend to want to justify why a person is in a certain condition or why someone is suffering. They want to believe that if someone is robbed that now or in a past life that person may have taken something of grave importance from another. As humans we yearn for answers to things we don't understand and karma seems to fill that void because not knowing or not having anything to blame would drive us insane.
So now I ask who/what is responsible for your actions? Do you take pride in decisions you make no matter how big or small? Do u feel that an all PKG God would allow suffering? Is karma real or is it just a Buddist concept misconstrued by western thinking?
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